i havnt done this befor but i just need to put it down on paper... well online.
ever scince the 14th of december my life has sucked so much.
i am no longer the man i used to be. id rather not say so, but i know it is true. i have become what i hate most.
An EMO.
i have done my best to avoid it. but alas i have desended in to depression.
the love of my life droped me like a rock with little to no real exsplanation why, and with not even a chance to talk it out.
every time now that i dont think of things to distrackt my self i think of her.
im writeing this at 3am because i long for her.
i did everything in my power to make her happy and in return its all in vein.
so back to the story, i thoght a party would help but my luck everyone was alredy at one, but she had invited me over so i can sit there with her and her friends and her new boyfriend.
he was a friend but now i deeply hate him but because i still love her with everthing in my heart and soul i tolerate him.
so i told her i might go and then on newyears i had goten sick.
extreamly sick. i Ralffed at least 15 to 17 times then agen another 13.
i felt like i would die, i wasnt to upset.
then about a month ago i was going to go to the mall with her and she ses that her BF couldnt go with his friends and needed a ride.
and my friend needed a ride too so i would be the bus as always.
so i sed that i would pick him up first then her then my friend who lives in the next town over.
on my way to the kids house, WAM a women blows her stop and i slam the breaks and colide right in to her.
slaming my leg on the dashbord.
i go to the hospital and thay say its sprained.
i get checked up a week later and the doc sez its tendenitus in the knee and a sprained neck.
then i find out my car is totaled.
yay
so now the only thing that helps my distrackt my self from my sadness and my longing and need for this girl, is gone.
so now for about a month iv bin geting wors and worse
i love her
i need her
i cant be with her, so insted of living id rather join the dead then be with out her.
but alas that will only hurt her.
i cant do enything right. i gess thats y im so alone.
and so i thought maybe if i get a new girl i wont feal as bad and that shell relise that she cant stand to be with out me.
but agen my life sux because i dont know enyone and all the girls i know are taken or lez.
or thay just dont want someone.
everyone i know also sez the same thing.
so for now i must renain alone.
i dont even want people i just want her.
so i figured that nothin els could go wrong.
i hate being wrong.
erlyer this week i went to check on my pet baby turtle.
he had died the night befor.
i cant even remember how long ive had that turtle but it was when i was me, when i was... happy.
i tought bad things were to travel in 3
why, why am i at 4 alredy.
i hate my self. i hate being me i hate what i have become.
i would have rather talked it out, maybe it could have bin just a fase, but she rather have him and complain about how he should be more like me then do somthing about it. im dead. thenrs nothing left inside of me.
i would have talked it out and had her stay with me even tho she didnt feal the same
in all truth i wouldnt care because wed have eachother and everything would turn out for the better.
but now... now... im am nothing
i have nothing to look fowerd to, nothing to get out of bed for, nothing to give me hope... no hope
iv lost all
and i wont even try saying that in my heart i feal shell come back because i know better
no more faulse hope.
she would never want me back.
im nothing
im dirt
im lower then dirt
if it wasnt for my fuckin retartedness...
if i could id be cuting my self but i dont have enyhting sharp enuf and im afraid of it.
if i do doit it would be deep.
thats y im afraid because id be the one to cut to deep
id cut of fingers but i like my fingers to much, but if only i could
if my body could match my pain and sorrow id look worse then vash(from trigun) naked.
the only thing i am not is her, as she puts it, cruch. because im her"best friend" and im ther to give her hope and to watch her back and do everything her boyfriend should be doing.
everything i used ta do.
i... dont know wat to do eny more.
im stuck in a status of life and death.
if i had the guts to id off my self but that would hurt her to much and i dont want her to feal this pain, but living is constantly cosing me pain.
all i want is her to be happy.
i would do enything in this world or enyother world to get her back...
its not goin to happen tho.

to my friends, i am sry for all this. i am no longer me, so plz keep this in your mind when ever you think of me.

as for her, the girl iv bin talking about,
if you read this plz take it to mind, this is how i truly feal, but you shouldnt change just for onemans fealings
i am petty and week, for get me and keep going with him.
but remember
i do Love you
i dont know how to exspress that in eny other way that wouldnt make you feal horibul or for hurting you presshus boyfriend.
im sry for this.